I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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