why didn't you poke me back
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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