It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
