god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
