i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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