So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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