Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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