At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
