we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
