You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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