At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
