Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
