I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
What a dumb baby whore.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
