I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
