planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
