What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He called his prostate his "boner button".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize