I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
