We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
