You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
