its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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