I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
