Is it normal to miss your booty call?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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