Tell her she can't have a vagina
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got inside last night via doggy door
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
