When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
