The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
