Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
