no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
