He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
