I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
