It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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