White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
