Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
