you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
