So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
