I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
