5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize