The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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