Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Randomize
