Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
