what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
