4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
