im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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