I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize