My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
