Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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