She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
