I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
