I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
And then he peed in my hair
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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