Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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