Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
