i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
