oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
