Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
