I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
