I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
