this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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