Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
