Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
