Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
