I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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