i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
