ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
