Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
